Conflict Resolution - Let’s Talk About It (Part 2: When Repair Fails)

Jul 16

Written by Mary Glennan, AMFT & APCC at Botaitis Therapy Group. Mary works with teens, parents, adults, and first responders navigating addiction, complex trauma, life transitions, and relational challenges. She draws from trauma-informed, attachment-based, and evidence-based approaches to support healing, emotional regulation, and deeper connection.

In this follow-up post, Mary offers insight into what happens when conflict resolution efforts don’t work. She explores how failed repair impacts trust and nervous system regulation, and shares practical ways to care for yourself through boundaries, reflection, and emotional reset. Mary provides virtual therapy to clients throughout California.

Navigating Conflict Resolution and Self-Care

Sometimes, you pour your heart into fixing a rupture. A heartfelt apology, a calm convo, or a gentle nudge to talk things out, but it flops. Instead of connection, you get silence, defensiveness, or even more conflict. It’s frustrating, exhausting, and can leave you questioning yourself.

Following up on my last post about Conflict Resolution - Let’s Talk About It (Part 1: Rupture & Repair) I want to acknowledge how repair may fail, how to handle it in relationships, and how boundaries just may become your lifeline when the mending doesn’t stick.

Conflict Resolution

Repair isn’t a magic fix. Sometimes, despite your best efforts, things don’t click. Maybe the other person’s avoidant, like a partner who shuts down when you try to talk. Maybe they’re not ready, carrying their own stress and baggage, or the rupture runs deep, like a trust broken over years.

Here’s the thing, people’s brains react differently to conflict. Some naturally have a more sensitive amygdala due to genetics, past trauma, or attachment styles that keep them hypervigilant. Others might be overwhelmed by current stress, making their nervous system more reactive. If someone grew up in chaotic environments, their amygdala learned to stay “on guard” while those from secure backgrounds might handle repair attempts more easily. Neurologically, when the amygdala is in overdrive, keeping people in fight-or-flight mode, it literally blocks your olive branch no matter how well-intentioned.

And here’s the painful paradox. The people we need most are often the ones we’re hardest on, and vice versa. When we’re dysregulated, we unleash on our safest relationships because we unconsciously believe they won’t leave. Meanwhile, the people closest to us might shut down or lash back because our pain triggers a nerve.

It’s a cruel cycle where everyone’s worst comes out with the people we’re closest to. As I mentioned in my last post, Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that successful repair needs both sides to engage, but if one person’s nervous system isn’t ready, Conflict Resolution - Rupture & Repair can stall, or worse, spark more conflict.

When repair fails, it can escalate conflict. Your calm “I’m sorry, let’s talk” might get a cold shoulder or a snappy comeback, leaving you both more disconnected. In families, this can erode trust, especially for kids who feel the sting of unresolved fights. In casual encounters, a failed repair might just mean awkward vibes, but in close relationships, it can feel like a gut punch, wiring your brain for stress and mistrust over time.

Handling Failed Conflict Resolution Repair in Relationships

When Conflict Resolution - Rupture & Repair doesn’t land, how do you navigate the fallout? It depends on the relationship:

Close Relationships (Partners or Friends): If your partner or friend dodges Conflict Resolution Repair, don’t push too hard as it can backfire. Try a soft approach, like, “I care about us, can we try this later?” This respects their space while keeping the door open. If they’re consistently avoidant, set a boundary: “I need us to work through stuff together, even if it’s slow.” If they still won’t engage, reflect on whether the relationship supports your emotional needs. Successful Conflict Resolution Repair requires mutual effort, and you deserve a partner who’s willing to work through the discomfort

Familial Relationships (Parent-Child): Failed repairs hit hard here, especially for kids craving security. If you snap at your child and your apology gets ignored (hello, moody teens!), give them time, then try again with warmth: “I messed up yelling. I’m here when you’re ready to talk.” Consistency shows kids Conflict Resolution - Rupture & Repair is safe, building trust even if it’s slow which is a key social skill. If you’re the child and a parent won’t repair, focus on what you can control, like your own boundaries and self-care (more on that below).
Casual Relationships: With acquaintances or strangers, failed repairs often matter less. No shared history, no big loss. If you say, “Sorry for the mix-up,” and get a shrug, let it go. Save your energy for relationships that matter or recurring interactions, like with coworkers, where a small gesture later might ease tension. Conflict Resolution - Rupture & Repair in these settings is more about respect than deep connection.

When Failed Repairs Escalate Conflict

Sometimes, trying to repair makes things worse. Your attempt at Conflict Resolution - Rupture & Repair might trigger (oh, there’s that word again) defensiveness, like a partner snapping, “Why are we even together?” or a friend misreading your apology as blame. This escalation can flood your brain with cortisol, making you feel raw and stuck. Here’s how to handle it:

Take A Beat: Step back to calm your nervous system. Take one deep breath (yes, I’m that psychotherapist who’s going to tell you to breathe, but hear me out, we actually stop breathing normally when we’re stressed or we hyperventilate). Maybe take a quick walk to quiet your amygdala, letting your prefrontal cortex (the rational part) take the wheel. This prevents you from escalating further in the heat of the moment.
Assess Readiness: Pushing too soon can deepen the rupture. Check in and read the emotional room. Are you defensive, are they defensive or just not ready? Try saying, “I want us to sort this out. Let me know when you’re up for it.” It shows care without forcing a fight.
Seek Outside Help: If escalation keeps happening, especially in close relationships, a neutral third party like a therapist can help. A third party can create a safe space for Conflict Resolution - Rupture & Repair, especially if avoidance or mistrust is a pattern.

Caring for Yourself After a Failed Repair: The Power of Boundaries

When Conflict Resolution - Rupture & Repair doesn’t work, it can leave you feeling rejected or drained. This is where boundaries become absolutely crucial; not as walls, but as protective guidelines that honor your worth while keeping you emotionally healthy:

Process Your Emotions: Release the stress. Name your feelings, like “I feel hurt” or if you’re like me throw in a colorful and intensifying adverb, “I feel f**king hurt and dismissed”. This helps your brain process emotions and reduces stress responses.
Rebuild Resilience: Failed repairs can dent your confidence, but small self-care acts, like exercise, going to the lake, painting, reading a good book, doing something you enjoy even if you’re somewhat resistant to it, boost oxytocin and strengthen neural pathways for emotional flexibility. As neuroplasticity (I’ll mention this in most of my posts cause it’s my jam) shows, your brain can adapt with practice.
Set Clear Boundaries: Here’s the game-changer. If someone consistently blocks Conflict Resolution & Repair, protect your energy with firm but loving boundaries. You might say, “I want to connect, but I need us to meet halfway.” Or in cases of repeated stonewalling: “I’ve tried to repair this multiple times. I’m open to working it out when you’re ready to engage, but I won’t keep pushing.” Boundaries aren’t punishment. They’re self-preservation and respect rolled into one.
Reflect, Try to Avoid Rumination: Ask yourself, “What can I learn from this?” Maybe you need to tweak your approach, like being softer or clearer. Work towards not circling the drain as I like to say or spiraling emotionally. Conflict Repair failing isn’t just on you. It’s a shared dance, and sometimes you need boundaries to protect yourself from partners who won’t dance.

Embracing the Mess, Moving Forward

Failed repairs suck, no sugarcoating it. It can make you feel stuck, especially when Conflict Resolution - Rupture & Repair sparks more conflict instead of resolution and untimely connection. But even flops are chances to grow. In close relationships, keep showing up with patience, but know your worth and enforce boundaries that protect it. In families, model repair for kids, even if it’s slow going. In casual moments, let go of what doesn’t serve you. Most importantly, care for yourself, your brain and heart deserve it.

Conflict Resolution - Rupture & Repair isn’t about perfection; it’s about showing up, learning, and staying human. Next time a repair tanks, take a breath, give yourself grace, and try again when the time’s right. But remember, boundaries aren’t the enemy of connection. They’re often what makes real connection possible.

Speaking of boundaries...they’re so crucial to healthy relationships that they deserve their own deep dive. Stay tuned for my next post where we’ll explore how to set, maintain, and communicate boundaries without guilt or fear. Because sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is draw a line.

Ready to Work Through Conflict with Support?

Whether you’re in Los Angeles, San Diego, San Francisco, Santa Barbara, or anywhere in between, Mary offers virtual therapy in California for adults and teens who want to strengthen their relationships, improve communication, and approach conflict with greater confidence and care.

If you're curious about how therapy can support your journey toward healthier connection, or if you have questions about working with Mary, please reach out to us at 805-636-9890 or fill out this form.