Holiday Emotional Survival (Part 1: Why Holidays Feel Triggering)
The holiday season is often sold as a time of joy, connection, and togetherness. But for many, especially those who carry emotional complexity, it can feel like walking through a minefield.
This post explores why holidays tend to stir up deep reactions, and gives you practical steps to protect your emotional boundaries and preserve your peace.
Why the Holidays Trigger Us (More Than We Think)
Old Stories Reawaken
The holidays often bring us back into familiar relational patterns: family roles, sibling rivalries, and unmet expectations. We revert to younger versions of ourselves without realizing it (a phenomenon often called holiday regression).
Heightened Pressure + Expectations
We carry a vision of what the holidays “should be”: perfection in decorations, gifts, behavior, connection. Reality rarely matches, and the gap between expectation and experience triggers disappointment, guilt, and shame.
Disruption of Existing Routines
Sleep schedules change, self-care falls off, social demands increase. When your regulatory systems are stressed, emotional reactivity goes up.
Financial, Logistical, and Relational Strain
Money, travel, coordination, and family dynamics all pile up. Small stressors compound. Even safe relationships get restricted with tension.
The Guilt vs. Conflict Bind
We often feel caught between disappointing someone (guilt) or triggering a fight (conflict). That tension keeps many people from asserting themselves. That’s exactly what we’ll address below.
Core Principles: What Protects You
Before doing anything, it’s helpful to ground yourself in these truths:
Your emotions are valid. Feeling triggered doesn’t mean you’re weak or broken, it’s a signal.
Boundaries serve relationships, not just you. Clear limits often reduce misunderstandings, even when resisted at first.
You are not responsible for how others feel. You are responsible for how you respond.
Start small. You don’t need a grand emotional overhaul. Incremental steps grow your capacity.
Practical Strategies to Protect Your Peace
Map Your Likely Triggers
Before holiday gatherings, ask yourself:
Which topics reliably get me reactive? (Politics, living situation, parenting, comparisons, etc.)
Which people tend to push my buttons?
Where in my schedule am I most emotionally fragile?
Make a short “trigger map.” Awareness gives you leverage.
Create a “Boundary Menu”
Define a handful of boundaries you’re willing to set in advance. Examples:
“I’ll excuse myself if the conversation turns to X.”
“I’ll leave by 9 pm.”
“I won’t discuss my career plans tonight.”
“I need 15 minutes alone after dinner.”
A menu helps you stay rooted rather than scrambling in the moment.
Draft Key Phrases
When tension surfaces, have go-to statements ready. These can feel a little awkward at first, that’s okay. Examples:
“I hear you; I also feel uncomfortable continuing this.”
“I’m not up for that topic right now.”
“Let’s pause; I need a moment.”
“This is important to me; can we revisit later with more perspective?”
Use Grounders and Micro-breaks
In the moment, regulate your nervous system:
Deep breathing (4‑7‑8, box breath, etc.)
Feel your feet on the ground, your back against a chair
Step outside for a minute or walk to the bathroom
Sip water, stretch your jaw, shift your posture
These reset micro-disturbances before they escalate.
Reinforce Gently, Consistently
If someone tests your boundaries:
Re-state them calmly (not louder). “As I said, I’m not discussing this tonight.”
Use the broken-record approach ("I understand, but my boundary still stands.")
If needed, remove yourself briefly and come back when calmer.
Prioritize Recovery Time
Designate buffer periods in your schedule:
Quiet mornings or evenings
Emotional check-ins (journaling, breath-work)
Share post-gathering debrief time with a safe friend or therapist
Protect your aftercare as much as your presence.
What Therapy Offers in This Season
As a practice with relational depth, we offer
A safe sandbox to rehearse boundary language
A space to explore the stories behind your triggers
Help integrating what comes up so it doesn’t hijack your presence
Coaching on pacing so you don’t deplete your emotional reserves
If you’re anticipating emotional turbulence this season, let’s meet ahead of time so you won’t be scrambling mid-dinner.
Bonus Resource: Holiday Boundary Toolkit
Need something quick and tangible? Download our Support Without Absorbing Toolkit (PDF) for grounding techniques and ready-to-use scripts to protect your peace during gatherings.
To connect with a therapist in Santa Barbara or therapist online in California, schedule a free consultation by calling 805-636-9890 or click to book a Consultation.
It's important to remember that seeking help is a sign of strength.