How to Know If You’re Over-Attached or Just Undernourished
It’s easy to label yourself or others as “anxious” or “avoidant.” That language is everywhere: TikTok, memes, therapy lingo. But in practice? Most of what gets called anxious attachment is actually something else: emotional malnourishment.
When your gas tank is full, the same behavior from a partner might barely register. But when you’ve been starved for affection, attention, or clarity, even small signs of withdrawal feel like a five-alarm fire.
Let’s dig into the difference and what’s actually going on beneath the surface.
What You’re Calling “Too Much” Might Be an Unmet Need
Clients often come in describing a partner or ex as “avoidant.” They’ll say, “They shut down. They didn’t want to talk.” Or describe themselves as “clingy” because they were reaching out a lot.
But what often gets missed is how one partner’s behavior impacts the other’s regulation.
If you’re constantly trying to get someone to engage, and they’re consistently withdrawing, that dynamic is going to activate your nervous system. Not because you’re broken, but because something important isn’t being met.
Attachment or Deprivation? Check Your Fuel Level
Attachment theory has its place, but let’s be honest: it’s been overplayed online. Reels and self-help soundbites have made it easy to slap on labels without context.
Here’s a better place to start: Where’s your gas tank at?
If you’ve been deprived emotionally; starved for affection, honesty, consistency; you’ll be more sensitized to potential withdrawal. That doesn’t make you anxious. It makes you attuned.
A client in a well-resourced internal state responds very differently than one who’s been running on empty. That’s the real variable.
The Danger of Labels That Become Excuses
Attachment theory is meant to describe patterns, not define identities. But too often, people use labels as a permission slip:
“I’m just avoidant, that’s why I shut down.”
Or worse:
“I’m anxious, so I guess I’m just too much.”
Neither is helpful. What’s helpful is naming the need, observing the pattern, and getting curious:
What’s the unmet need beneath this?
Is that need something I’m asking others to meet, or can I meet it internally too?
If You Feel Like You’re Too Much, Ask This Instead
In session, when a client says they’re “too much,” here’s where we go:
What are you afraid will happen if you show your full self?
Where did you learn that your needs = burden?
What part of you needs soothing, not silencing?
Your job is not to shrink. It’s to clarify: What am I asking for and is this relationship capable of meeting it?
Sometimes, people just need more evidence. If they find themselves in a negative loop, it doesn’t mean they’re wrong. It might just mean they haven’t yet gathered enough data to make a clear decision.
Reframing the Question
The question isn’t, Am I too much?
It’s, What is this relationship mirroring back about how I’ve learned to ask for love, safety, or connection?
If you’re starving, every crumb will look like a feast. That’s not neediness. That’s data.
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